4 years ago today

Four years ago today we landed for the first time in Irkutsk. It's hard to believe it has been 4 years, sometimes it feels shorter, sometimes it feels like an eternity. Three years ago this week we were buying our tickets to go and bring our girls home. Of course we all know what
happened then.
Since then we have lost one child to her family, then in October (after the roller coaster ride with the American Embassy's visit to Irkutsk) we heard from our facilitator that we should give up. In the Bratsk orphanage, the guardians are immediately finding Russian homes for any child that gets a court date. 3 French families had this happen to them in September and October. So we have stopped all adoption related activity. If things ever change in Irkutsk, we will definitely try to bring her home, but we have lost hope that this judge will ever change or loose her position.
I still think of my babies everyday and wonder if I will ever truly heal from the pain. Even grief counseling has not helped much. So many friends and family try to convince us to try again, but traveling to Irkutsk to go to court and then losing it all makes it hard to think about jumping back into the 'frying pan.' The second we meet Pixie we fell in love with her, and the next day Dimples stole our hearts. I just can't move on. The grief still over whelms me. It fells as if someone has kidnapped our children and our home and lives are just waiting for them to be found safe and alive. We have not way of getting any news of them so we don't know who has them or if they are loved and cared for as much as they deserve.
The biggest thing that brings me comfort is my 'furbabies', we adopted another dog after the news from Irkutsk- he is half dachshund, half basset hound and is a really big baby and trying to sit in my lap as I write this as he is terrified of thunder. Even though is name is Buddy (aka Budwieser) I call him the big headed BoBo-his head is huge compared to his short little body, and he's a bobo because he is just not as smart as our dachsie.

We do pray for those who still have hope and for the beautiful children of Irkutsk, that they finally have mamas and papas someday.